Boys will be boys. Boys are not emotional. Boys do not cry. Boys will learn how to act like men.

It is no surprise that this is how most male youth grow up. From a young age, boundaries are set that separate the girls from the boys. The girls get pink, the boys get blue. The girls get barbies, the boys get action figures. The girls will cheer, the boys will play. The lists go on and on. Most importantly, girls are more prone to express their emotions, while boys primarily do not. Societal standards like these create the difference between how boys and girls deal with their emotions.

In an article written by Alyson Schafer, she touches on the subject that many people tend to shy away from; men and their feelings. In many ways, this is the elephant in the room for so many conversations. In my opinion, the strongest argument she points out is the fact that parents are not as nurturing to their sons because boys are seen as the “stronger and tougher” sex. To an extent, this terminology is fitting due to the fact that the biological makeup of men is built to be stronger. Although men have thicker bones and high levels of testosterone, this idea does absolutely nothing but creates a downwards domino effect towards gender equality for men. The social construct that men should always be less emotional than woman can only be damaging to their mental state. This fact alone proves why male suicide rates are higher, and the ideas that men talking about mental illness and their feelings leads to them being labeled as a “pussy”. It truly is a no-brainer, the restrictions created by society on male emotions is already evident to be damaging. Men are more trapped when it comes to their emotions, which obviously makes it harder to seek help. Women have always been viewed as being more emotional than men, which creates a strange barrier that men are forced to be stuck behind. Growing up, the boys that were more emotional were seen as “outcasts” compared to the rest of the kids. If a girl cried at school, it was genuinely normal and no one would bat an eye. On the other hand, if you see one tear coming from a boys eye, he is obviously “way too sensitive”. If society wants change, it starts with making men feel more comforting seeking help when it comes to their emotions.

At a young age is when the “Be a Man” motto is learned amongst impressionable boys. If a boy cries, he needs to stop, because it is not manly. Geraldine Walsh wrote an impressive article about teaching boys to ignore their feelings from an extremely young age. She stated, “Encouraging boys to suppress their emotions and be tough and stoic can have damaging consequences for their mental health in later life”. This is where toxic masculinity may enter the chat, but that is something that we will touch on in a little bit. When enforcing the “Be a Man” argument, many times anger will become the prominent emotion, because it can easily mask other emotions. The anger replacing sadness phenomenon is still as prevalent as ever. For instance, pent-up anger leads to emotional distress. As a result, this can lead to inappropriate behavior such as domestic abuse, substance abuse, as well as physical destruction (perhaps punching a whole through the wall).

When speaking to my boyfriend, Luke Juricek, about this taboo topic, a few interesting points came up to the surface explaining why society is this way. First of all, there is science behind societies emotional gender differences. Men are physically stronger, which naturally puts them into the position of acting as a supplier. Throughout time, it has been harder for women to establish themselves in self sufficient roles in civilization. Women were incapable of performing the same strenuous tasks as men, leading to an early formation of societal standards. Men worked while women partook in a familial role. If a male were to not work properly, he would be at risk of losing his entire livelihood. Women have always been viewed to be more nurturing as men have been more straightforward/ tough. Due to these precedents, men have always had a tougher disposition, while females were allowed to be more nurturing as well as emotional. It is absolutely no doubt that there are people out there that prefer the traditional gender roles, and believe in men being tough at all times. While this system may have some forms of evidence, in some forms it does not defend the emotional values of men. This system is evidence in modern day by societies’ capability to encourage men to suppress their feelings. When a little boy is growing up, it is quite common to hear “be a man” come out of someones mouth, usually their father. Whether a boy is crying, playing sports, etc., you will hear “be a man”. When it comes with being a man, it comes with not being emotional. If men have been forced to limit their emotional expression, it is no surprise that society is still telling them to void their feelings to this day.

Now, let’s talk toxic masculinity. Oxford Languages states that toxic masculinity is a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole. When it comes to this subject, it usually correlates with bullying, objectifying women, and the term “boys will be boys”. The aspect of bullying is derived from feeling that you are dominant over someone else. In regards to toxic masculinity, the bully would feel that they are more manly, compared to the bullying victim. Bullying not only provides a feeling of superiority, but also discourages the victim from ever truly expressing their feelings. This can lead to drastic effects in an individuals self perception, as well as their self confidence. It is a tragic domino effect as the bullying victims feel unable to share how they feel, which only pushes the pain that men face during their daily lives. Additionally, it is no secret that men objectify women. Although women are just as capable of harassing men, it is much more common for men to assault women, based on the desire to feel superior. It is immediately evident why men struggle so much to display their emotions as even women are subject to the consequences of toxic masculinity. As far back as most people are able to remember, the term “boys will be boys” was always mentioned at some point. This stereotype almost helped boys get a pass on being messy, aggressive, loud, and numerous other examples. The term is essentially an umbrella term for toxic masculinity when one truly does think about it. As we pay attention to this topic more and more, it is no doubt that this idea is extremely negative, but it puts men in a tough spot too. This is the societal norm, so concurring with it creates an outcast. The Gillette commercial tagged below is a great visual for the way that todays society not only works, but the way that it is starting to make improvements. It truly is a difficult subject, but with the more light it has, the easier it becomes to understand how men are victimized when it comes to their personal feelings

https://youtu.be/koPmuEyP3a0

Truly at the end of the day, men deserve to talk about their feelings and feel more comfortable to seek help for mental illness. The stigma around men being sensitive and name-calling needs to end, immediately. With the background of the way that men have been brought up, and with the societal norms, it is a great thing to see mens mental health gain more attention. It is with no doubt that many people in the world believe in men keeping the extreme masculine role, but it does have the possibility to come with consequences. Men, if you are seeing this, it is your sign to let go of “Manning-Up” and be authentic with your inner feelings. As Jill Suttie writes about teaching boys to be more in touch with their emotions, the future generation is hopefully listening.

Works Cited:

About the Author Jill Suttie Jill Suttie, and Jill Suttie Jill Suttie. “How to Raise Boys Who Are in Touch With Their Feelings.” Greater Good, greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_raise_boys_who_are_in_touch_with_their_feelings. 

Walsh, Geraldine. “Fears for Tears: Why Do We Tell Boys Not to Cry?” The Irish Times, The Irish Times, 10 Sept. 2019, http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/fears-for-tears-why-do-we-tell-boys-not-to-cry-1.4006399. 

“Why More Men than Women Die by Suicide.” BBC Future, BBC, http://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190313-why-more-men-kill-themselves-than-women. 

Schafer, Alyson. “This Is Why Boys Need More Emotional Support Than Girls.” HuffPost Canada, HuffPost Canada, 8 Dec. 2017, http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/11/17/boys-emotional-support_a_23280737/. 

Chamie, Joseph. “More Women Stay at Home Than Men.” More Women Stay at Home Than Men | YaleGlobal Online, 25 Jan. 2018, yaleglobal.yale.edu/content/more-women-stay-home-men. 

Venker  | September 22, Suzanne, and Oneinchpunch. “More Evidence That Couples Prefer, and Do Better with, Traditional Gender Roles.” Washington Examiner, 22 Sept. 2017, http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/more-evidence-that-couples-prefer-and-do-better-with-traditional-gender-roles.