Kennedy Turner

“Because I am a female I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy, love, and mutual support which I think can be a good thing. But, why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and don’t teach boys the same?” These impeccable words were spoken by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

This quote introduces the idea that the concept of marriage is primarily implemented into the minds of women in oppose to men. Why? In a culture consumed by the idea of change and equality for all, when will they reach the deep rooted problems taught at young ages that define the ways in which people live their lives.

Normalized Gender Norms

The natural upbringings of boys and girls are gendered. Whether it be how they play, what colors they like, and what they want to be when they grow up. More importantly, what goals they should expect to achieve. These gendered concepts have been normalized for decades. It is common to adopt the idea that girls should be princesses because it is basic knowledge amongst the American culture. However, marriage is also a concept embraced by American culture. Why is it important that girls know to work toward it to truly fulfill their lives? Societal norms frown upon middle aged women who are not yet married.

We Should All Be Feminists

In Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Ted Talk,  We should all be feminists, she suggests that the culture is not to blame. She states, “Culture does not make people, people make culture.” The accusation that it is not society but the people within society causing societal issues baffles many people. Many would justify marriage being an aspiration for women because that is just the way the culture is… But, we are the culture and we believe in equality? Until modern culture accepts that they are the ones reiterating traditions and tired beliefs, there is no room for change.

She goes on to discuss how women are taught to behave in the eyes of men. She says, “We teach girls to have ambition, but not too much… to be successful, but not too successful otherwise they’ll threaten the man”(Adichie 2012). This correlates directly to the claim because all the different ways in which girls are taught certain things can be connected to aspiring to marriage because it is for the attention of men. She says, “We praise girls for virginity, but we don’t praise boys for virginity..”(Adichie 2012). This suggests that it is shameful to want to do some of the things that boys get to do. Because it is not respectable, or acceptable for a woman.

The Psychology Behind It

Three researchers in psychology, Marianne Taylor, Marjorie Rhodes, and Susan Gelman at the University of Michigan, created a study for children called : Boys will be boys; Cows will be cows. In this study, they asked young children a series of questions regarding animal species and gender role tendencies. Results at the end of the study were collected.

The psychologists state, “Children, based on the findings in this study, assume that girls are born with innate and unchangeable characteristics that fundamentally differ from the innate and unchangeable characteristics that boys are born with” (Brown par 4). Also in this study it is stated that, “Some may ask does it matter whether children think all girls sew and that all boys collect baseball cards? We know that with increased labeling of gender, our tendency to think that all boys have one set of attributes and all girls have another increases. But does that matter when we are raising our own kids? Yes, because once these stereotypes kick in for a child, they are extremely hard to change”(Brown par 6).  

This relates back to the claim because once stereotypes are embedded in a child, they continue to believe and trust in society. Which can be reason to believe that women are taught to aspire to marriage.

American Idol

Girls are raised and inspired to be like the women they watch and idolize. But, do they idolize specific women because they are taught to? And what makes the women they are taught to idolize, different than the ones they are not? Is it there clothing or self demeanor? Most importantly. Are the women we do not teach them to idolize married? It can be reasonably concluded that the men boys idolize are not married in most cases.

For example, Cinderella. Cinderella does a great job of teaching young women to aspire to marriage. She only finds true happiness when she lives happily ever after with Prince Charming. She tirelessly works everyday hoping she will eventually be swept off her feet and saved from her treacherous life. Insinuating, that a woman will only be safe and happy when she finds a man and keeps a man.

The Naysayers

Some make a very valid argument that teaching women to aspire to marriage is an aspect of the past that was well needed and that it doesn’t happen anymore. Many women relied on men for financial security, reproduction, safety, and more. Which was mostly arranged through marriage in the past. Kris Gage, author of the article Does Marriage Even Make Sense Anymore?, suggests that it is understandable for women to have felt the need to get married in earlier times but the obligation to teach it now no longer remains. She writes, “Women didn’t have access to the workplace, so they needed financial security. Men had income, but needed heirs. The exchange was simple”(Gage 2018).

This article accurately compares what life was like for women in the past vs. the present. It easily can display reasons for women to not get married because of all the things they can do on their own or without a legal document of monogamy. This connects back to the claim because this article gives reasonable explanations as to why young women do not have to be taught to aspire to marriage. However, the old traditions of movies and television still ring true for many families when teaching their daughters to aspire to marriage.

Living Single

The stereotypes of single men and women are endless. Women who are single at a certain age face significant backlash. They can be perceived as hard to love, or too attainable. Many women constantly have to keep in mind if they’re being too easy, too bossy, too smart, or too confident when trying to attract a man. And if they are single, it is easy to perceive them as women who are those things. Bella DePaulo, author of the article Is There A Bias Against Single People?, suggests that people without a marital status face harsh judgement from modern culture. She writes, “They were viewed as less happy, less secure, more immature, more fearful of rejection, lonelier, more self-centered, and more envious”(DePaulo 2016).

This connects back to the claim because many women are taught not to be too easy, not to be too bossy, for the attention of men. Ultimately, so that they can be the ideal woman a man would want to marry.

At The End of The Day…

The conversation of whether or not women are taught to aspire to marriage is ongoing with more than one answer. It is important that the conversation takes place and that society today acknowledges what the youth are being taught. If the main ideals of modern culture are change and equality, there is reasonable cause to believe they should start at the beginning, with the kids today.

Works Cited

Adichie, Chimamanda Ngozi. “We Should All Be Feminists.” TED, Dec. 2012, http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_we_should_all_be_feminists?language=en.

Brown, Christia S. “Children’s Ideas About Gender Differences May Surprise You.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 16 Apr. 2014, http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-pink-and-blue/201404/childrens-ideas-about-gender-differences-may-surprise-you.

DePaulo, Bella. “Is There a Bias Against Single People?” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 19 Oct. 2016, http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201610/is-there-bias-against-single-people.

Gage, Kris. “Does Marriage Even Make Sense Anymore?” Medium, Personal Growth, 18 Feb. 2018, medium.com/personal-growth/does-marriage-even-make-sense-anymore-70e10f4d8c18.https://medium.com/personal-growth/does-marriage-even-make-sense-anymore-70e10f4d8c18