Shimin Park

America, as a dominant global leader, has been reaching other parts of the world with its influence on cultural values. One of the most noticeable ways American cultural influence has affected on the rest of the world has been making and paving the way for the LGBTQ community. However, it has not been too long since it was still a taboo to even dare to talk about one’s sexual orientation and gender identity in America. In some parts of the country and in religious institutions, it still is. Since it used to be considered a sin or an illness or both, many people used to think there must be some kind of cause for this abnormal human desire and the deviance that results from it. One of the more popular theories which for a long time was at the heart of this issue of LGBTQ rights and has resurfaced again and again over the decades is the nature vs. nurture debate. While many scholars dispute the actual importance of nature or nurture in the LGBTQ world, it has been undeniably crucial in shaping the views on sexuality and gender identity in popular society. The nature side argues that people are born the way they are, while the nurture side believes human characteristics are acquired through socialization. Either way, since the most fundamental form of socialization for young people is with their parents, the role of parents is extremely important. From the viewpoint of nurture, parenting would directly impact the formation of their kids’ gender identity and sexual orientation. The nature side could argue parents’ perception and reception of their kids’ gender identity and sexual orientation have an effect on how they see themselves in the world. In the 21^st century, parents often seem to make an effort to take different stances beyond the question of simply whether to accept their children’s gender identity and sexual orientation or not, and as a result, have developed different ideas on how best to fulfill their role as parents.

Fear and Hesitancy

The most basic dilemma that modern parents face when it comes to parenting children is to what extent they as parents can intervene in the child’s journey of exploring their gender identity and sexual orientation. The intense anxiety of the parents which often accompanies this journey is mostly a result of fear, as no parent wants their child to be perceived differently and therefore get bullied by their peers. Cheryl Strayed, in a letter expressing this concern, claims that she was worried about her daughter getting bullied when she came out as pansexual at the age of 11. She was worried, understandably, by how her daughter’s peers would react, and struggled greatly with how much she should control her daughter’s life; she wanted to maintain a balance between her daughter’s independence and her role as a parent, but she appeared confused on how to support her daughter through this difficult time. Cheryl, firstly because of her own prejudices and stereotypes against LGBTQ kids, even remarks that she does not like her daughter “hanging out with these kids.” Furthermore, she presumes her daughter is not actually who she says she is and wonders “how much of” this whole issue “is just an experiment or not”.

Support through educating oneself

Other parents are more accepting of their children’s sexuality and gender identity, and therefore see this issue in a far different light, and so their focus is more on helping their kids feel empowered through their identities just as they are. Debra Malina, whose child first came out as gay and some years later as a nonbinary person, has wanted to be supportive of her child as long as she could remember. One way Debra recognized her child was by actively supporting her decision and changing her language. Pronoun usage was a difficult but also meaningful change Malina purposely made. She emphasizes the importance of changing her language when it came to be embracing her nonbinary child. It may seem a miniscule thing, but Debra understands how the misuse of language and pronouns may hurt her child and scar her identity for a long time; moreover, her child and others can feel as though they are stripped of their true identity.

In it together – Raising one’s voice

A different model of providing support to her child is Kimberly Shappley. Shappley is a Christian woman living in the South, and like many people in a similar demographic, she is conservative. However, she met the LGBTQ community in a very personal way—right at home. She now raises a transgender child who has been denied the right to use the bathroom of the gender she identifies with. It was not easy for Kimberly at first either, but, like other parents, she had no choice in the matter, for this was her child. Kimberly recounts her story of going to Walmart to buy underwear for girls, but the emotional pressure was immense; she entered and left the store three or four times, crying throughout, before she finally bought them. Her family even tried to shift At first, Debra and her family had a difficult time coming to terms with Kai’s new identity, even trying to shift her interests to more masculine activities and objects, but now, not only have they accepted Kai as who she is, they publicly fight for her. Her and her family are not ashamed to still attend the same church, and they are not planning on moving because Kimberly knows that just by being physically present and visible, she and her family can change people’s opinions.

Going beyond

As for another, slightly different method of raising children, there are parents who decline to even designate their child’s gender from the beginning. These parents choose not to assign their children a gender, even if they have not yet identified themselves as LGBTQ, and perhaps, because of age, are not yet able to. An NBC article describes the recent phenomenon of “theybies.” Nate and Julia Sharpe have decided to raise their children, Zyler and Kadyn, as “theybies” and therefore refuse to disclose their children’s sexes to them or anyone in the community. The Sharpe parents use gender neutral pronouns and let their children dress however they like, play with whatever, and do whatever they wish without the distinction of being called a girl or boy—without the distinction of gender. Julia, the mother, understands that there are gendered expectations as a mechanical engineer, a male-dominated field, and after researching how those stereotypes affect children’s development, her and her husband decided to raise their children this way. Unsurprisingly, the Sharpe parents received negative feedback from others in their community who desired to find out their babies’ sexes and disagreed with their parenting decision.

So what?

Although these four cases have differences in regard to how each parent thinks about gender identity and sexual orientation, as well as their ways of approaching the methods of parenting their kids, what they have as a common denominator is their care and love for their children. It is clear that they all want what is best for their children. In our society, we get caught up in trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong—that is how this topic of parenting gets framed, and indeed society puts shame, fear, and distress into families and children who are struggling with gender identity. However, what if this is not about who is correct and who is not? The most important issue is parents know how to love their children and put confidence and self-esteem into their hearts and souls. It would be another step in the right direction if we realize people are not just defined by sexual orientation and gender identity in the United States or anywhere in the world.

Works Cited

Compton, Julie. “’Boy or Girl?’ Parents Raising ‘Theybies’ Let Kids Decide.” NBCNews.com, NBCUniversal News Group, 19 July 2018, http://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/boy-or-girl-parents-raising-theybies-let-kids-decide-n891836.

Malina, Debra. “Why I Had a Hard Time Calling My Transgender Child ‘They’ – and Why I’m Doing It Anyway.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 9 July 2018, http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2018/07/09/why-i-had-a-hard-time-calling-my-transgender-child-they-and-why-im-doing-it-anyway/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.f5a81e45a00e.

McCombs, Emily. “Christian, Conservative And Parenting A Transgender Child In Texas.” HuffPost, HuffPost, 2 Mar. 2017, http://www.huffpost.com/entry/kimberly-and-kai-shappley-transgender-child-bathroom-rights_n_58b5b5b6e4b060480e0c4393.

Strayed, Cheryl, and Steve Almond. “My 15-Year-Old Daughter Told Me She’s Pansexual and Dating a Transgender Boy. I’m Struggling.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 4 Dec. 2018, http://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/04/style/pansexual-daughter-transgender-parenting.html.